I want to walk on stilts...naked
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
