Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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