i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
