Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
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Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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