you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
