just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
