It's a beautiful day for a hangover
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
