I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
