She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
