yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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