her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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