I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
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I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
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I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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