you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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