i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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