I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
