it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Barsexuality is the new black.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
