I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
