a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
