they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
