Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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