I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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