i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
