fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
