No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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