I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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