These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
