that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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