You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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