he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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