Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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