Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
