I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
