My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
