The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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