I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
