someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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