I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
