We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
