At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
