Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
