drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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