You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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