hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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