Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
