I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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