On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
