i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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