The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize