ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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