The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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