yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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