Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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