I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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