I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
