I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
